How to stop taking things personally

This post is about what I have learned from this ted talk by Frederik Imbo. Learning to not take things personally has been a great benefit to my overall mental health. When I struggled to stop taking things personally I felt like I was a slave to the words of other people. I felt like I could not get along with anybody and everybody was out to get me. Turns out I was wrong and I think deep down I knew this all along I just did not know how to handle it. It took a lot of self reflection and building up confidence within myself to stop taking things personally but it was all worth it. I would not say I am a pro at this either. I still fall short sometimes when it comes to people that are close to me like my friends and especially my family. I think that this is true for most people because our friends and family are the ones that are closest to us and naturally we value their opinion the most for good reason. Often times when we do take things personally it has more to do with ourselves rather than the other person. As you read forward you will find out why that is and what we can do the next time we take something personally.

It isn't always about you

I know that you would agree with me if I told you that not everything someone says about you is true. When you know with utmost certainty that something is not true about you then you will not take it personally. For example, if someone told you that you look like an orange you probably will not take very much offense to this. This is because you know for an absolute fact that you are not an orange. Similarly, if you told a child to go in timeout because he or she is in trouble that child may call you names and throw a fit. Chances are you will also not take the child's name calling personally because you know it has everything to do with the child and nothing to do with you. How can we apply this same principle to much more complex situations like our parents not giving us validation or our best friend telling us that our new favorite thing isn't cool? Create distance with your emotion and what is actually true. Next time someone calls you a name ask yourself is it true? Is it true that I am an orange? Is it true that I am loser because I put Jimmy in timeout? No, both of those things are not true so you don't take it personally. However, it does get tricky when you are not absolutely sure if what someone else said is true or not. What if your best friend called you lame? If this person is your best friend chances are they know you pretty well. If someone that knows you pretty well calls you lame then it must be true right? You may think so but that probably is not the case. More often than not when someone is close to you and they put you down it usually comes from a place of frustration. When you are able to create distance with your emotions and really decipher where they are coming from chances are it is not about you and you are able to not take it personally. Bottom line; learn how to create distance with your emotions.

Here I will share a personal story where I took things personally when in reality it wasn't about me. As you may or may not know car insurance companies often over good grade discounts for students. Usually, this discount is around 15% for students who have a GPA of 3.0 or higher. In my very first semester of college I did very poorly for a variety of reasons that are completely my fault. My GPA that semester was around a 1.9, a D+ average. Terrible..... I know. Anyways, my dad asks me for my report card to submit to the insurance company so I can be eligible for the student discount. I print out my report card and give it to him. I told him that I was sorry my GPA was not a 3.0 or anything close to it and next time I was going to do better. You could tell he was disappointed but he was not mad. Most times that is even worse compared to your parents being mad. One of those "I'm not mad, I am just disappointed" kind of things. Two years pass by from that moment and he asks me again for my report card. This time I was excited to give him my report card because I went from a 1.9 GPA to a 3.5 GPA. I pretty much had gotten straight A's from the last time I gave him my report card. I was expecting my dad to tell me he was proud of me and recognize what a good job I was doing in school. Instead, no words were exchanged. He simply told me thank you and we moved on. I took it personally that my dad did not acknowledge my hard work but then I realized this was not about me. When I created distance with my emotions I realized that my dad too experienced the same thing when he was younger with his dad. Except, my dad received it a lot worse. His dad would give him hell if he did anything bad or wrong and would say nothing when he did something good. That is all my dad knew. He didn't know how to voice how he was proud of me because he did not receive that when he was younger. Even though my dad didn't directly voice it to me I already knew that my dad is proud of me. Once I created distance with my emotions and really tried to figure out why this happened, I was able to not take it personally and move on.

It is about you

You know, sometimes it is about you. Sometimes we hear things we don't want to hear or see things we don't want to see. This is a part of life. When we take something really personally as in something that makes us visibly upset and we have that weird feeling in our stomach it is usually because it is about us. This is like calling someone out on their shit. When we call people out on their flaws they usually do not like to hear it but we tell them anyways. When you do this you can almost guarantee that they will take it personally. Arguably for a good reason too. When you tell a messy person that their room is filthy they will take it personally. When you tell a lazy person that they never get anything done they will take it personally. Why? Because it is about them but they don't like to know it is about them. You probably have been on both sides of the coin in this scenario because we are human after all. Nobody is perfect. Next time someone calls you out on your shit and you take it personally realize and admit to yourself that it is true. Surrender your pride and your ego and really take it in. You could say "You are right, I am lazy. Being lazy is not something I am proud of but it is something that I am working on improving. Thank you for the reminder and I will continue to put more effort." I know that it is easier said than done to do this but once you do it will feel like there is a weight being lifted off your shoulders because you are being honest with yourself. You are admitting your flaws and accepting that you are not a perfect human and this is just one of those things that you need to work on and that is OK. Hopefully, if you are on the receiving end of a situation like this then the other person is trying to help you out. Yes, it may not be the most kindest way of helping you out, however, I do think there is some value in getting straight to the point. Bottom line; admit your faults and move on.

Conclusion

Taking things personally is something everybody experiences and does not necessarily have to be a bad thing. In some cases we take things personally for good reason and it helps us grow into a better person. Learning to not take most things personally has helped me decrease the drama in my life and establish healthier relationships with the people around me. Please note that I said most because I realize that I am not a robot and there will be times where I do take things personally and that is OK. Taking things personally is a part of being human. Create distance with your emotions and admit that you are not perfect, no one is.